Non Golfer Survival Guide to Golf


It’s a tough job stuff the only non-golfer in an office where polo shirts and slacks are considered ‘workday-to-course’ merchantry formal, and you spend your life fearful of getting hit by someone dangerously shadow swinging in a corridor. But as golf uptake rises, increasingly and increasingly of us everyday folk are stuff jostled into the ‘non-golfer’ category. We didn’t ask for this, but it’s a heavy mantle to withstand keeping those golf-bores grounded.

Here’s how to survive the coming apocalypse.


Master the Lingo

Well, you don’t have to master it per se. Just get some flashcards with big buzzwords like ‘par’, ‘handicap’, ‘shank’ or names of birds on them. Throw a couple of those virtually and you’ll tousle right in.





Master the Art of Misdirection

This one might unquestionably work in your favour. Golfers are *very* hands distracted. If you’re overly in a tight spot with a deadline, in a performance review that’s gone awry, just say something like “Did you see the news on Rory? Crazy.”

There’s unchangingly news on Rory, and they’ll unchangingly want to talk well-nigh it.


Master the Art of “Resting-Interested-Face”

You’ll need this one for when they start engaging with your same Rory comment.


Master the Art of Insulting a Golfer

This is important. But it moreover doesn’t take much. All you need to do is grimace and make a sharp, short intake of vapor as that clubhead connects with the ball, or when they tell you how they did on their last round. It doesn’t plane matter if it was good.

It. Will. Crush. Them.


Master their Religion

If Tiger is God, his son Charlie is Jesus. You’re going to have to learn to worship at that shrine if you’re going to stand a chance. Buy some red polo-shirts for Fridays. Golfers fathom that kind of commitment, and you probably squint unconfined in red. Win, win.





Master the Bunkers

(for sunbathing, sandcastle towers etc.)

In golf, you want to stave the bunkers. With golfers, you might find yourself wanting to situate yourself in one. This is acceptable. Pick your spot, bring a towel; it’s going to be a long, slow round.


Master the Golf Holiday

Here’s a pro-tip: the weightier courses (the ones on their sad little scratch maps or in those lists they watch as obsessively as brokers on the floor of the stock exchange); they’re your golden ticket to a really, really unconfined holiday.

Your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, best-friend (honestly these ones are easy to trade in so if you have a golfer weightier friend you should probably reconsider…) – they *want* you to say that you want to go. Pick one with a spa, a unconfined library, in an zone where you want to explore, where there is vast on margaritas, and you tuition it all to the room.

They’re paying. They wanted it. You’re the victim here. You’re welcome.

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